hello again...hope this finds you all doing well. just wanted to get back to answering the questions raised while i had the where-with-all (concentration and energy). so here goes....
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EMYROSE: what has helped me most to deal with all this? hmmm well its a matter of a few different things. first was talking with a T (therapist). another was having a really good friend to talk to. also, i found the above message board and read what others are going thru. i did group therapy for abuse survivors. i tried a group T for DID folks but it was peer run and basically sucked. journal writing helped alot. art collage work helped alot. seeing a psychiatrist was very helpful--i need meds to deal with the depression and anxiety. its not just one thing but rather alot of different things that help. every part helps. and talking. talking to others--whether it be a T or a friend or family. all of it helps. acknowledging what the probs are. i learned its best to feed little bits at a time to family/friends, until you can gage how they react.
for me and my system (all the inside people make up our system), DID is important to survival. even now. not that were being abused cause we arnt. but rather cause we get triggered alot and switching helps keep us safe. at this point there is NO plan to *I*(integrate). we are dealing with the issues and the traumas as they surface. our T is very supportive and agrees that if we dont want to *I* then we dont have to. so we are in control of what we want for our system. this is the 1st T that allows us to control our T(therapy)--Finally!
what brings me joy? lots of things. we are working on not being so negative thinking. we have lived sooooo long just waiting for the "axe" to fall. we just assume negative things will happen to us. so we are working on that now. joy has started to be more and more in past year. we love our cousins, play with the 11yr old all the time, love our computer, love the air, love thunderstorms (ironically the negative ion in the air--love that feeling), our family, our friends, we love our stuffies (stuffed animals), the list goes on & on. about friends: ive made a few internet friends that i actually talk to and am planning on meeting them in the very near future. one of them has become one of our bestest friends. one of my lils (younger alters) talk to her all the time.
please feel free to email me if youd like to talk more. or if you have other questions that youd rather ask in email. i hope some of this helps.
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Mommie Dark - you are right, dissociation happens quite frequently. a friend of mine, with abuse history, had to work thru different ages of when the abuse happened in order to heal. however, dissociation has many different levels. none of her dissociating led to actual personalities. you are so right about dissociating being a natural way to handle the difficulties and traumas in our lives. we have HUGE losses of memory--even from a few years ago, last week, whatever affects us with huge stress or intense to moderate pain. so we are still dissociating to this day. it just too much to remember. theres just so much pain. when mom was dying of cancer, i was her caretaker. i dont remember that time. i dont remember she died. but yet, i dont remember her very well either. she was my twin. my best friend. i loved her soooooooooooooooooo much. it hurts to think of her. so i dissociate and create this black hole memory. endless black holes in my life.
im sorry to hear that youve had to deal with painful things that created your actor personalities. no one should have to go thru any of that.
thank you for the kind words mommie dark. my reason for talking about this is two fold. i needed to be accepted for who and how we are. but we also needed others...esp jws to know that it is OK to be DID/MPD. that they should be proud for the creative way they kept themselves safe.
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more to come.....
Wounded Heart
Love by giving to & accepting others unconditionally = true, pure love
